I can't remember when I realised I was different. I have hazy memories of my time in primary school.
I can remember being about 7 or 8 and reading a story about a boy who found a magic button. He could use this button to change himself into anything he wanted. In the end he turned himself into a horse but then lost the button so he was stuck. I remember that I really wished that I could use that button and become a girl. I used to run that story through my head, with me as the hero / heroine. My school days weren't that unhappy. I worked hard, made friends, got by. I was quite self-conscious and never really had that much luck with girls....
Things get hazy again until I was about 12. It was simple curiosity that started it. I remember being at home one day and putting something in the washing basket. I spotted my mums bra at the top of the pile. I wondered what it would be like to wear that bra. I sneaked it into my pocket and locked myself in the bathroom to try it on. I really loved the feeling of wearing it next to my skin. From that moment, I began to do it more regularly. When my parents were out I would try on my mums bra.
From that I progressed onto wearing her clothes. I couldn't wear much, because I couldn't fit into them, but she had a couple of stretchy skirts that used to fit me.
I can't remember how long I did this for, or how many near-misses I had. I always managed to get changed just in the nick of time. I often used to hate myself for being a dirty pervert.
When I was about 14 I read a story in the paper about Transessex. A local club for TV's. I remember reading it and having an amazing feeling of elation. I finally realised that I wasn't alone. I knew that I was a TV.
I continued to dress discretely: stockings under my jeans etc. I built up a small stash of undies that I kept in a old toiletry bag. I wasn't effeminate, I had a lot of male friends, but I use to hate the "Lad" mentality of a lot of my friends who just treated girls like dirt, got boozed up and went out of their way to pick fights.
It all gets a bit blurry again. I keep losing pieces of the story. Nothing major happens until I get to University and meet a lovely girl who is now my wife. We moved in together and I continued to hide my little bag containing a few panties, some stockings and a suspender belt.
Things went OK, until one day she found the bag. I knew it had to happen one day, and I kept trying to work myself up into telling her. After lots of tears (both of us) and a lot of explaining, she told me that it was not a major deal. That as long as I kept it discreet, she was OK about it. She realised that one of the reasons she liked me so much was that I was not like a lot of other men; I was easier to talk to. Now she knew about my female side, she could see it in me normally.
A few weeks later we had our first dressing up evening. She wore my suit and I wore one of her dresses. I had my first proper experience with makeup. I loved the look. We discussed a name and came up with Joanna.
We have a compromise in that she doesn't mind me dressing, but I don't try to impose Joanna onto her all the time. She doesn't want to be constantly reminded of her. This means that I don't (often) shave my chest or legs, although I have been known to....
I'm happy to compromise. I love her very much and I'm glad that she can accept me and who I am. I read many stories about girls who's partners have found out and it signalled the end of their relationship. I realise how lucky I am.
Joanna slowly became a much stronger part of me. Since I discovered the Internet I have met loads of really nice "girls" who have been happy to talk to me. I can chat as Joanna, not as my male self, and I can really let her come to the surface without having to feel self conscious.
My first time our was February 99, to the WayOut Club in London. Thanks Vicky, Tanya and Leanne for taking me! It was a wonderful experience I'd been friends with Tanya through the internet for a few months. She'd finally got out onto the scene a few times and I was feeling a little jealous. I finally built up the confidence to ask about joining them, and set a date for a few weeks time, when the girls were going to Wayout.
The day came, and I drove to Vicky's place in Surrey. I was incredibly nervous! We got changed, and then the first test.... We had to walk out of Vicky's flat, down a flight of stairs and get to her car which was parked out back. To say my heart was beating fast was an understatement!
Once in the car we had the next test - 4 trannies in a capri does tend to attract stares... And we managed to hit every single red light on the way into London! The final test of my nerves came when we got parked in London. There were roadworks in the Minnories, and so to get to the WayOut Club you had to walk right past a mass of workmen, with floodlights and diggers... Although I am sure that by then they had probably seen it all!
So, as you can imagine, I was rather nervous by the time I arrived at the Wayout! But once I got in I had a great time... It all seemed to pass in a blur and it was a fantastic feeling to finally be out en-femme.
I left it quite a while before my next time out. This was at Ron Stormes in September 99 with Rebecca Ball. Thanks girls for getting me there. It was a good laugh. This was a very different environment to Wayout, which was much more "in your face". Ron Storme was still running the club at the time, and it was good to meet a tranny legend. Again, I can't remember much of the night, only that I had a great time and wanted to get out again real soon.
Over the summer of '99 I had made contact with a lovely girl called Kim. We began chatting via email and then arranged to meet up at a Beaumont society gathering at Janet Scotts in Luton. It was there that I also met Sharon and her wife Susan. It was a very nice evening - very different to the other nights which were loud and boisterous. It was nice to sit down and talk to people. It was on that night that the seeds of the idea for the Angels were sown. Read about it here. The Angels has since become an amazing internet resource, and Kim and I never fail to be amazed at how it has touched the lives of many TGirls out there.
My Millennium resolution was to get out and about a lot more. I met up with Kim and Sharon and the rest of the Angels over the course of the year. Often real life got in the way, and I wasn't able to get out as much as I liked, but it was good when I did. We always had a good time... One landmark event was the Chinese Meal......
The Chinese Meal - Feb 2000: The plan was to go to a regular (Non TG) restaurant for a meal, dressed up as Joanna. There would be myself, kim, Sarah-jane, Sharon and susan (her wife) So 4 trannies and one real GG. Talk about into the frying pan....
I drove to Sharons en homme and got changed there. We then convoyed up the M11 then M25 to Sarah Janes - My first time driving in heels. A little tricky to get used to the new leg positions, but I got there in the end. Had to park a long walk away from her house - quite a walk in heels. After a bit of a chat we left for the restaurant.
Kim and I were terrified - we had never done anything like this before. I think I was worse than she was, but we kept trying to reassure each other... Sharon and Sarah Jane had been out shopping en femme a few weeks back and so were not so nervous. We got to the restaurant, a nice little chinese in Hemel Hempstead, bit the bullet and went in. It was packed. We had to sit in the entrance bit for a while - attracting lots of stares. It was all I could do to stop myself heading for the door again. Susan, Sharon and SJ were great at calming me down.
Finally we were led to a table. I sat down quickly. The look on the face of the guy on the table opposite was a picture. His jaw was open for nearly 5 minutes! Unbeknownst to me the table behind me kept turning around for a better view. I couldn't see them, but was told about them later. After a while they all got bored and we could get on with our meal. There was no way I was gonna pass so I began to relax and talk normally to Kim and the girls. I even spoke to the waiter.... my voice could never be regarded as femme by a long way. Still we had a fantastic meal and it was a great buzz. The restaurant emptied out quite a bit later on (it was nearly midnight when we left) and some of the tables spent longer than necessary getting past out table - stopping off for a quick look.
One guy we noticed very unsubtlely stood up, looked in our direction and said to his wife quite loudly "You're right, you know. They are..." SOOOO I guess we'd been read there too! But noone made any fuss and generally we were left to it. I wonder how many conversations we featured in over the next week "you'll never guess what WE saw on Saturday night........"
A good time was had by all. A wonderful experience. One I'm not sure I could repeat in a hurry, but it was great none the less. Got back to Sarah Janes after midnight. Had another long walk to my car to get my male clothes out of the boot ready to change back before going home. I wil never tire of hearing the sound of my high heels on the pavement. Wonderful. Plus I was finally wearing my Buffy boots in public (chunky knee highs). Great.
Thanks to all the girls for being so supportive and persuading me to go through with it. You were great. <hugs!>
2001 started well with Club Angelic, which was a fantastic night out. And then continued with many other trips out with the girls.... We even hit Manchester, of which you can read more about here.
2002 was quiet on the outings front to start with due to other commitments, but I did manage to get out to Stormes and Manchester. I have also had the pleasure of my first professional makeover, at the hands of the amazing Jodie at the Boudoir. See the results here....
2003 was a much better year.. I guess the dressing became less of a "special event" and more just a fun time out with my friends... which was an important step. I went out in Manchester for the Transmission Birthday Party, We had the Angels Debutante Ball and Angelic 3 in Milton Keynes. I made many trips to Transmission in London, plus a fab night out at Quaglinos in London for Kims birthday in August.
I've had such a blast since I came out.. and I just can't imagine getting Joanna back into the closet... but I have been discovering the need for a TLB - the "Tranny Life Balance" - making sure I don't do too much trannying at the expense of neglecting my wife and my male commitments. I am getting better at doing this, I think.
So here we go, halfway through 2004. I've already had a few trips to Transmission, accompanied by meals at Carluccios cafe down the road, and also the first Club Angelic at its new home at the Pink Punters in Bletchley. There's also been the trip to Brighton to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and another trip to Manchester for the 2nd Transmission Birthday. And in a few weeks is the Roses Thames Boat Trip. Read more about these on my news page.
Latest news: After wrestling over how (and whether) to do it - I have finally come out to my sister! I hated the fact that I had to lie to her about whenever I was going to an event, and that I couldn't tell her about my "other half". I always knew she would be OK about it (like me she's a huge Eddie Izzard fan... and loves Richard O'Brien), but still I worried about telling her. I've kept it hidden for so long its hard to let it out...... I finally bit the bullet and told her the other week.... and she was really cool about the whole thing, which is great. I showed her some of my Joanna photos and she was gobsmacked (you need to see me in boy mode to get the scale of the transformation!!!) In fact, she moaned at me the yesterday that she'd been to my website and was annoyed that she didn't get a mention on here. So..... thanks honey, you are such a great sister and it really means a lot to me that you can accept all this. Of course, I botched the whole "telling her" thing, and forgot to tell her my femme name, so she's had a devil of a job tracking down this website.... so I apologise for all the dodgy tranny sites you've waded through on the way here! Hope that sometime we can get you out to Transmission for a bit of a party..... Love you lots!
So what's next? - Boat Trip and then the September Angelic/Debs Ball.... Also the Transfandango Ball in November. I'll write all about them on my news page.
Anyway, I hope I haven't bored you all too much. Thanks for reading!
hugs
Jo
x
